Can you imagine coming home on a Friday night and having your spouse—or significant other—announce emphatically, “Hey, honey, guess what we’re going to do this weekend? We’re going to write our obituaries and plan our funerals!”

Doesn’t that sound like a thrill? Well, a few months ago, that is exactly what I did to my poor husband, Roger. My dear husband—and notably, my better half—reluctantly agreed. We both recognized that, at our stage of life, leaving no advance planning in place could create a significant burden for others someday.  

Compounding this long-recognized concern were several incidents over the summer. I had two “near misses” with distracted drivers on the freeway, and a few of our clients experienced serious accidents that could easily have been fatal.  They were stark reminders that life can change very quickly. So, we decided it was time to take the plunge and tackle the project we had been avoiding: planning our last big event. I can attest to the fact that once we got past the initial discomfort, parts of the process were actually enjoyable.

First, I recommend separating estate planning from last big event planning. Estate planning addresses what happens to your property and financial affairs. Your last big event plan addresses something entirely different: How would you like your family and friends to gather, remember you and celebrate your life?

Yes, it feels a little strange to think about. But it can also be surprisingly rewarding. The legal documents are a subject for another day. For now, consider putting together at least a basic plan for your last big event. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a formal document, but the important people in your life should know what you want.

Here are some of the things I discovered along the way:

Cremation or traditional burial?

This is one of the biggest decisions. Whatever your preference, make sure your closest family members know your wishes. They should not have to stand around during an already difficult time saying, “I think she once said…”Pre-planning is not the same thing as pre-paying.You can make plans now without paying for everything in advance. Whether pre-paying makes sense can be decided later based on your circumstances. The important first step is simply deciding what you want.

What kind of service feels like you?

Would you prefer a traditional funeral or religious service? A celebration of life? Something very small and intimate? Something grand and opulent?  There is no rule that says everyone must have the same type of farewell.

Where should your final resting place be?

If you choose cremation, think about what you would like others to do with your ashes. If you prefer a traditional burial, make sure your family knows where you would like to be buried. Clarity is a gift to the people who may someday be making these decisions for you.

What about anyone who depends on you?

If a spouse, minor child, adult child, relative—or even a beloved pet—depends on you, make sure there is an immediate plan for their care if something happens to you.

Draft your own obituary. Yes, really.

This sounds terribly morbid until you take the plunge and do it. A draft obituary can be surprisingly easy to prepare, especially with the help of online tools. More importantly, you probably know the facts of your own life better than anyone else does. Your family may know that you were born “somewhere in Arkansas,” but perhaps not the town. They may not remember exactly where you went to college, when you started your business or the names of organizations that were important to you.

Putting that information together now saves them from having to become amateur genealogists while they are grieving. You can also indicate where you would like your obituary published.

Now for the fun part: What kind of celebration do you want?

Would you like a plated lunch after the memorial service? A cocktail reception? A grand party? A chicken-and-waffle breakfast Think about your favorite restaurants, foods, music, flowers and traditions. What would make someone walk into the room and immediately think, “This is so them”?

My husband and I have already decided that our last big events should include an ice cream sundae bar—with lots of hot fudge sauce and other toppings. For Roger, I know there will be plenty of music from the Beatles and the Eagles. As for my playlist of music, I learned a few things. Is it possible to combine “The Old Rugged Cross” with some of Elvis Presley’s greatest hits? Apparently, my musical tastes made this particular assignment more complicated than expected.

Finally, I recommend setting a deadline.  

We recently celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary, and I had given myself a deadline: before our anniversary, I wanted both our estate plan updated and our Last Big Event plans in place. The deadline was completely artificial. No one was checking my homework. And frankly, parts of the process were a little dreadful.

But now that it is finished, I feel an enormous sense of relief. We can talk with our family about our wishes, knowing that the major decisions have already been made. Someday, our children and other loved ones will not have to guess what we would have wanted while dealing with their own grief. That, in itself, is a gift. I am certainly hoping we won’t need that ice cream sundae bar anytime soon.

But I have to admit: thinking about a room filled with people we love, Beatles music playing and grandkids enjoying ice cream makes me smile. And perhaps that is the point.

Planning your last big event does not have to be entirely about death. It can also be an opportunity to think about your life—what mattered to you, what brought you joy and how you would someday like the people you love to celebrate having shared it with you.

Kristina Bolhouse, CPA/PFS, CFP®

President

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