A recent discussion with friends evolved into a fascinating insight! The topic was how to make and maintain friendships as we age. The consensus was that this was a common problem, and an even bigger issue for men than women. Everyone acknowledged the benefit of friendships; an emotional support system, as well as a key component of overall health, safety, and well-being as we age. Below is a summary of some tips that stemmed from that conversation:

• Be the first to initiate. Friendships don’t just happen. It takes a conscious effort to build and maintain them.
• Start with your neighbors. Two of the women in the group organized potluck dinners and other social activities to get acquainted with their neighbors. Both attested to the power of how these small steps forged long-term bonds for the whole neighborhood.
• Look for “faucets” and not “drains”. The “faucets” in this analogy refer to friends who are supportive, open, and emote positive energy. Visually, you may think of this person as a fountain of encouragement and reliability. The term “drains” refers to friends who are self-focused, high maintenance, difficult to be around, and drain you of emotional energy.
• Seek out friends in a variety of age groups. Older people may be a source of wisdom and sage advice. Youngsters typically could use a mentor.
• Look for sources of commonality. Sharing a common interest like reading books, enjoying cooking, or even experiencing a similar health issue may bring friendships together.
• Be willing to step out of your comfort zone. Don’t be afraid to reach out. The worst thing that could happen is that the other person may simply not be interested in developing a friendship. Accept this possible outcome and be willing to move on.

And what about for men?

While this seemed to be sage advice for women, what about men? A recent Reader’s Digest article titled, How I Learned to Make Friends Again.[i] speaks directly to men. Age and distance cause friendships to drift. Friendships that were once strong can become difficult to maintain.

The author, Billy Baker, narrates how he took the initiative and started a Wednesday night group. He invited 12 other men to hang out each week and watch sports. The key was the built-in regularity of the activity. Everyone knew when this event would happen and what to expect. Over time and with the impact of COVID-related changes, the group evolved. It is now down to his three, new close buddies.

Baker’s method reminded me of one of my relatives who has always maintained a strong relationship with friends. Here are some simple things he does:

• Reaches out periodically to check in with friends.
• Initiates events such as golf outings, sports night, or card playing.
• Sets up a special area where the “men only” group gathers.
• Keeps it simple and informal.

The importance of friendships was recently validated for me when a family friend, who lives alone, suffered a stroke. Luckily, he had invited a buddy to come over and watch the NFL playoffs. When the man arrived, he was surprised no one answered the door. After several minutes of no response, he peeked in the window and saw our friend lying on the floor. He immediately called 911. When the medics arrived, they broke down the door and initiated the critical care he needed. In addition to companionship and emotional well-being, this event showed how a friend can literally save your life.

My favorite perspective on friendships is in an old quote from Abraham Lincoln: “I am a success today because I had a friend who believed in me, and I didn’t have the heart to let him down.” This quote summarizes in a beautiful way how friendships make you stronger and better.

[i] Baker, Billy (November 2021). How I Learned to Make Friends Again. Pleasantville, NY: Reader’s Digest.

Kristina Bolhouse, CPA/PFS, CFP®

Vice President/Shareholder

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